Just the right amount of Hope

For the last several months, especially when 2013 came in, this has been a trying year for me. A lot had happened that I felt I lost control over my life and that I also felt lost. I had a moment where I could not distinguish happiness anymore. My heart has been so heavy that I almost lost hope. I am scared of the future and afraid of the outcomes that would flourish as a result of today's mishaps. I do not know myself anymore. I do not know happiness. I do not know hope. I do not know love. My mind and heart just felt an overflowing rage or even grudge that until now even though those negative feelings already subsided but not totally gone, I have it still and pulls me away from moving on. This year is full of conflicts. A problem arises, it will be resolved somehow but a new one will come in. Somehow, I do not know how to cope. I do not know how to respond. I do not know what to do that I came to a point where I forgot all the people around me. I pushed them away. All I know is vengeance. All I think of is how to find a way in order to hurt those people who caused me so much pain. I want to crash them to pieces. I want to make them feel the pain that I have carried for a long time. I forgot God. I also pushed Him away. And remained in darkness. Somehow there was light but I was intentionally standing behind it so that I wouldn't have to see. And I forgot my dreams, my friends, my family. I forgot who I am. I am God's creation, I should have act according to his will. But I didn't. My best friend and I once talked about who is He to me and that day, realizing all my misdeeds, I accepted Him and I begging for his acceptance. But up until now, still I am distant. Still struggling to work my way beside Him. I am sad that I feel like this. I just hope, that sooner I could open my heart wider for Him and accept Him as my God. Yes, I have issues with my faith. I call myself Christian but still I have issues. I don't want to be a hypocrite speaking His name in front of other people but I think it's my way of reminding myself that He is there. And that no matter what issues I have, He is still there for me. I just want to resolve my issues sooner and live a whole new life. I have been trying but if my efforts are not that enough, I will try harder. I'm still picking the pieces of myself which I know I lost somewhere. I smile and laugh almost everyday that it seems I am free of anything but I know in myself that I am carrying a heavy load. I am not free but I will be. I will move on and someday, I will find the courage to forgive those who caused me pain. I will free myself of these loads and I will be a blessing to the people around me. I will fulfill my dreams for my family, for those people significant to me. I will fulfill my dreams for myself and for Him. I will be a better person. Help me God.