Just the right amount of Hope

For the last several months, especially when 2013 came in, this has been a trying year for me. A lot had happened that I felt I lost control over my life and that I also felt lost. I had a moment where I could not distinguish happiness anymore. My heart has been so heavy that I almost lost hope. I am scared of the future and afraid of the outcomes that would flourish as a result of today's mishaps. I do not know myself anymore. I do not know happiness. I do not know hope. I do not know love. My mind and heart just felt an overflowing rage or even grudge that until now even though those negative feelings already subsided but not totally gone, I have it still and pulls me away from moving on. This year is full of conflicts. A problem arises, it will be resolved somehow but a new one will come in. Somehow, I do not know how to cope. I do not know how to respond. I do not know what to do that I came to a point where I forgot all the people around me. I pushed them away. All I know is vengeance. All I think of is how to find a way in order to hurt those people who caused me so much pain. I want to crash them to pieces. I want to make them feel the pain that I have carried for a long time. I forgot God. I also pushed Him away. And remained in darkness. Somehow there was light but I was intentionally standing behind it so that I wouldn't have to see. And I forgot my dreams, my friends, my family. I forgot who I am. I am God's creation, I should have act according to his will. But I didn't. My best friend and I once talked about who is He to me and that day, realizing all my misdeeds, I accepted Him and I begging for his acceptance. But up until now, still I am distant. Still struggling to work my way beside Him. I am sad that I feel like this. I just hope, that sooner I could open my heart wider for Him and accept Him as my God. Yes, I have issues with my faith. I call myself Christian but still I have issues. I don't want to be a hypocrite speaking His name in front of other people but I think it's my way of reminding myself that He is there. And that no matter what issues I have, He is still there for me. I just want to resolve my issues sooner and live a whole new life. I have been trying but if my efforts are not that enough, I will try harder. I'm still picking the pieces of myself which I know I lost somewhere. I smile and laugh almost everyday that it seems I am free of anything but I know in myself that I am carrying a heavy load. I am not free but I will be. I will move on and someday, I will find the courage to forgive those who caused me pain. I will free myself of these loads and I will be a blessing to the people around me. I will fulfill my dreams for my family, for those people significant to me. I will fulfill my dreams for myself and for Him. I will be a better person. Help me God.

Questions, questions...just questions...

I'm creating this post from nothing...well, actually, I created this blog site for a college project and nothing, just for myself somehow...I'm creating posts, hmmmm??..once a year...just when I feel I need to....lol! Merely a self expression...I guess, that's it...Just having a lot of thoughts somehow..Lots of questions for myself...whether I can do this or not...questioning myself for my capabilities, my talents...or why I keep on doing what I think is wrong...How can I fix my life, my self 'coz I do think, its not fixed yet and I need to do something to fix it....Why do some people are so concern for the coming end of the world while others just shrug their shoulders when being asks for their opinions....Why i cannot decide for myself alone and I would always consider others, am I being unfair???...Whew!...it must be so tiring...Well I guess, not all questions should have answers....'coz if there are, there would be no mysteries...and I think, mysteries are exciting....Lol....have good day everyone...

A day in the rain, again...

Today, it feels like I became 17 years younger. It feels like I again became a 7-year old child happily playing in the rain. Yeah, we took a shower in the rain. Me, my best friend and my nephew. I don't even remember the last time that I did it. Maybe, years back. Today was one of the happiest days of my life, unexpectedly. Lol! And I realized, your life is enormously different when your young compared to becoming an adult. No complications, just having fun, all the time. Given the chance, I would love to become a kid again even for a day, which I think I just did. Hahaha! It was really amazing. Far more amazing coz I'm with my best friend.

I remember those days when I was a kid. Playing around, no worries. And I missed it somehow. I missed our playground and the barkada. I wish could I play again like those days. You don't get tired, you don't even notice that its already dark and you have to go home, or else your mom's gonna go after you, with a stick for your butt. Lol! We used to climb the trees or play hide and seek or slipper game or baseball, just everything. We fight? Hell yes, all the time. And its all physical. Punches, kicks, you'll get a taste of it. But kids just can't hate each other forever. In a minute, you're enemies and next thing, you're playmates again, friends. That's how it works.

A child or a kids view wouldn't work on the older ones. Coz the older ones world is too complex. But I think, it would be great to think like a kid sometimes. Just a way to keep us detach to this complex world. To keep us sane somehow. To have a break.

grip

i have been torn into pieces
wounded
endured a lot of pain
i just wanna disappear
get the numbness to come over me
even for just a little while

but in the midst of those pain
misery
tears
hopelessness
and for the time that i almost lost the reason
to go on

and to just stop
leave all of them behind
and to run for where
my feet would lead me

i did not
because i can't
and never would i
never

in the midst of all that pain
i saw the light
the light which i have long waited
the light which led me to a place
where i found peace
a place that comforted me
a place which gave me the strenght
the courage

in there, i left all my anxieties
my fears
my doubts
and to Him,i trusted it all

as the day had come
i trusted it all to Him
as the time had come
i trusted it all to Him

and i saw
that nothing was ever impossible
as you trust it all to Him

embrace

standing at the edge of the cliff
overlooking the clear blue ocean
the smooth wind lingering on my face
at the sight of sunlight

i waved my hand, up
tried to catch the air
ran wildly
blindly...like insanity
until i reached the end

i almost flew
down under
down where i know
i could never return

i held back
as i saw what it was
i was scared
i felt my body trembled

i heard somebody calling
at my back
i don't know who it was
calling my name over and over again
begging me to return

i looked down again
i was scared even more
i ran
to someone calling me
and to those arms
i fell

i cried, i was scared
but those arms comforted me
it threw away all my fears

and i closed my eyes
with the last sight
of the sky

Dilemma

what shall you do
when you don't know what to do
what directions should you take
when it seems that you don't have any directions at all

how would you tell the truth
when you can't even speak
what would you do
when you lost all the reasons

i felt left alone
for this moment that i need someone
a hand that would hold mine
telling me that everything will be alright
a hug that would drive away
all the pain in my heart

what shall i do
while standing in this deserted road
what shall i do
when these tears finally break to fall...

*sigh*



(january 16, 2009--halfmoon)

a silent whisper

just setting

under the moonlight

i could see stars up above

so beautiful, a wonder

and the dark sky so afar




it was a chilly night

the wind whispers

on my ears, softly

and i shivered




it was a lovely night

that anyone would behold

the moon was smiling

the stars were inviting a tranquil being




but, one soul embraces a gloomy world

away from what the night brings

and as she looks afar

up, to those tiny crystals hanging

in the dark wide shadow




tiny drops of loneliness

overflowed

and it took her

far away